“It’s been 1 year since we started dating and 5 years since we got married. I slept a total of 3 times in 6 years. It is questionable whether this marriage should continue. I went to the urology clinic with my husband, and they said that I lack male hormones. Even with treatment, there is no improvement. There are no special problems other than the sleeping problem. My husband is a sincere personality and does not drink or smoke. So, she is worried whether she should continue her marriage or break up.”
1. Sex less than once a month, sexless
The response to the post was warm. The number of views quickly reached tens of thousands, and hundreds of comments were posted. I don't talk about it publicly, but I could see how serious the sexless problem was. Sexless is a kind of syndrome, not an official disease name. Most of the related experts consider a couple to be sexless if they have had sexual intercourse less than once a month for the past year.
How many sexless couples are there? The data is not up-to-date, but there are statistics from 5 years ago. In 2016, Dongwoo Kang’s Sexual Medicine Research Institute conducted a sex life-related survey of 1,090 adult men and women, and 36.1% of 743 married people answered that they had sex ‘once a month’ or ‘no’. This means that 3 to 4 couples out of 10 couples are eligible.
By marriage period, the sexless rate gradually increased to 30.7% for couples between 11 and 20 years of age, 37.2% for couples between 21 and 30 years, and 53.9% for those over 31 years of age.
At the time, Dr. Kang Dong-woo explained the results of the survey and said, “The proportion of sexless couples in the world published in overseas papers is about 20%, and Korea is very high compared to that, ranking second in the world after Japan.” As of 2014, the sexless rate in Japan was 44.6%.
There were several people who read articles posted on internet cafes and contacted them personally. One of them is a woman of the same age as the author and living in Busan. She said she was in a similar situation and she wanted to talk to Mr. Lee.
The two started talking over the phone and soon became best friends. I met a person who knows better than anyone that it is difficult to tell my family and friends. I must say that Mr. Kim is a little better than Mr. Lee, but she had a child with her husband. They have been married for 10 years and have an eight-year-old daughter.
The couple also had a problem with sleeping. Kim has slept with her husband about 10 times over the course of a year of dating and 10 years of marriage. At least she was focused before the birth of her child. In Kim's case, there were no problems between her and her husband other than sleeping. Her husband works for a solid company and is thorough in self-management. He works hard and maintains a decent appearance that is no different from when he was single. Seeing her married couple, Mr. Kim, people around her called them 'a good-natured couple'. This is one of the reasons why Kim cannot give up on this marriage easily.
What causes her to become sexless? Listening to the story of the 'Less Victims Association', the reporter thought that the aspects of sexless could be divided into original ones and later ones. It's an overly plausible word, but this is what it is. In other words, it was originally sexless. This is the case of two couples, Mr. Lee and Mr. Kim. Both couples slept very little before marriage. It was for physical reasons. Lee's husband, of course, did not have an erection well. This is when you give up after trying a few times. It can be classified as hypogonadism. The reporter did not make a diagnosis arbitrarily, but rather the result of visiting a urologist.
Hypogonadism is a disease in which the function of the testicles decreases, and male hormones and sperm are not produced well. As with many diseases, there are many causes. Alcohol, smoking, stress, and aging. Male menopause occurs as male hormones, such as testosterone, decrease as we age. Then, in the case of Mr. Lee's husband, did male menopause come early? When I asked Professor Moon Doo-gun of the Department of Urology at the Korea University Guro Hospital, he dismissed it in one word.
“When young people are under a lot of stress, testosterone levels drop. If you take a high school student and take a survey, the symptoms of male menopause appear. In order to accurately diagnose male menopause, testosterone levels must be measured twice in a row and meet certain criteria to be considered male menopause. It can be temporarily lowered when you are stressed.”
2. Sleeping 4 times in 10 years
She never once wanted to sleep on her husband's side. It was reluctant to watch her videos and try and reluctantly when her wife requested it. She said that once when Mr. Kim cried and said, 'What kind of couple are you living like this?', she said that she had been prescribed Viagra. Even after she took Viagra, the relationship didn't work out. After going through this with her, Kim gave up sleeping with her husband. She honestly felt the temptation of her extramarital affair many times, she confessed, Kim. Looking at her daughter, she was barely keeping up with her marriage.
Another member of the group, Park Soo-yeon, is in her mid-40s. She got married in her mid-thirties and has been married for 10 years. Park also slept with her husband at a 'legend level'. In her ten years, she slept with her husband four times. It was also possible that she asked Mr. Park first, she says. She wanted to have a child. Her children were not born, and Park gave up her marital relationship. Thanks to her marital life, which is generally unimaginable, Park quickly established herself as the chairperson of the group.
In the case of this couple, they became sexless for psychological rather than physical reasons. After marriage, there were frequent fights. The difference in values was greater than expected. From minor issues such as cleaning, to the way they treat each other's families, they bumped into each other. It was like a war-like honeymoon period.
In addition, both the wife and husband were engaged in professional occupations, but the intensity of the work was rather strong. Shortly after marriage, her wife had to work as a couple because of the weekend. We see each other once or twice a week, but gradually the relationship started to burn out. Even after the weekend married life ended, the relationship between the couple did not close. Both of them suffered severe injuries during their newlyweds.
3. Sexless leading to affair
The way the Parks live is the 'dink tribe' itself. The Dink (Dual Income No Kids) family literally means a dual-income couple without children. If you raise a dog, it goes beyond dinks and falls under 'Dinpets'. Dingpet is a compound word of Dink and Pet, meaning companion animal. It refers to a dual-income couple living without children and raising pets.
Since the couple acknowledged and accepted their sexless state, it could be said that it was okay. The problem was that it wasn't. Park, who attended the lease meeting, expressed her deep depression. She spent years devoting her energy to work and her dog, she said, but now she feels a kind of anger build up deep in her heart.
Experts point to three factors that help maintain a marital relationship. Intimacy, dedication, passion. Intimacy is the feeling of being friends, sometimes over a beer and sharing what happened during the day. Commitment means keeping promises made to each other in marriage. In reality, it appears as a way of living while respecting the sense of duty towards 'children'. Passion is an emotion felt between a man and a woman (or, in the case of homosexuals, between the same sex). At least two of the three must exist in order to have a harmonious marriage.
All three seemed to be missing from the Park family. To put it bluntly, it seemed like an 'economic community' paying off apartment loans together.
It was sad to hear them say. That's the spouse's reaction. In the case of Lee's husband, who was diagnosed with hypogonadism, he received only a diagnosis and did not receive active treatment. He just kept saying 'it's getting better'. Kim's husband unusually blamed his wife for his erectile dysfunction. It was like, 'You're not attractive' or 'It's because you keep the house messy'.
From the reporters attending the meeting and seeing the members, none of them could be seen as very unattractive. Most of them worked for jobs they knew just by hearing their names.
Yoon-soo Lee, Seong-wan Jo, Director of Urology Department, Yoon-soo Lee, asked for a treatment. This is the manager's words.
“If you are in your 30s and have temporary decreased gonad function, it can be solved with exercise. Hormonal supplementation may also be considered, depending on the circumstances. There are a variety of formulations, including oral formulations, topical formulations, patch styles, and injections. Men mainly use injectable preparations. Young people, like those in their 20s or 30s, don't prescribe drugs for long. They help me figure it out on my own.”
The medical staff united and said that it is necessary to go to the hospital before it is too late for active counseling. The priority is to distinguish whether this is a marital conflict problem or a problem related to the sexual organ.
4. Oxytocin, the 'couple glue'
Sex is one of the factors that act as 'glue' between a couple. When you have sex, oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is called the 'love hormone'.
Oxytocin, discovered in 1909, is synthesized in the hypothalamus of the brain and released into the bloodstream through the pituitary gland. When the baby is born, the concentration in the mother's body rises rapidly to stimulate labor and contract the uterus to facilitate childbirth.
In the 1970s, a new function of oxytocin was discovered. It has been found to play an important role in sexual life and interpersonal relationships. Oxytocin stimulates soft muscles and sensitizes nerves, so men and women become obsessed with the urge to cuddle. It is said that the more intense the sexual impulse, the more oxytocin is secreted, which increases the pleasure during sex.
In 2005, American neuroeconomist Paul Jacques argued in a paper published in the journal Nature that oxytocin, which promotes love and bonding, has the function of increasing trust. Another study found that administering oxytocin to autistic patients improved their ability to hear other people's voices and read emotions such as happiness and anger. It is no joke to say that if a couple spends a happy night, the meal menu will change the next day.
Marriages without sex are more common than you might think. Google searches for 'sexless marriage' are 3.5 times more than 'unhappy marriage' and 8 times more than 'marriage without love'. It is the most common search term for marriage-related complaints, according to data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz in 2015. What exactly does a sexless marriage mean? There is no one-size- fits-all definition, but some experts say that if you have sex less than 10 times a year, you are sexless. Danielle Harel, a sex therapist and dating coach in San Francisco, USA, says "if there is little sex between a couple," it's sexless. "It could be a couple who haven't had sex in five years, a couple who only has sex once every few months," she says. Can a marriage survive without physical intimacy? We sought advice from experts on sex issues.
6. It is possible to sustain a sexless marriage, but only under certain circumstances
A 2015 Pew survey found that 61% of married Americans said that satisfactory sex was 'very important' to a successful marriage. "Most people attach great importance to sex and derive value from it. People start dating because they want sexual desire, attraction, and passion. That's the difference between dating and friendship." Irene Fehr, a sex coach near Denver, said .
However, not all sexless marriages are about to divorce.
“Marriage can go on for a long time without sex if neither party cares about having sex. Some people just don't really care about sex. Some people take it very seriously, and it’s just like any other behavior.” According to sex therapist Celeste Hirschman, Under certain circumstances, sexless can be maintained, even satisfying. In the following cases:
6-1. Both couples have low libido
If both of you have low sexual desires, the absence of sex may not be a big deal. “If a couple has similar desires and feels emotionally and sexually fulfilled even after having sex less than 10 times, they can get along just as well as a couple who have sexual contact every day.” According to Los Angeles-based sex therapist Nazanin Moali .
The same is true for asexual couples, who have not experienced sexual attraction and are not interested in sex. “In these circumstances, not having sex can actually be healthy. Because it removes suffering.”
6-2. One in two has a health problem that affects libido or sexual behavior
Certain cancers, diabetes, high blood pressure, birth-related body changes, and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD can affect your libido or sexual performance. It may be temporary or it may be persistent. It's up to the couple to decide how long they want to stay in a relationship when they're often unable to have sex.
“If it is a protracted situation and treatment is unclear, it can be distressing for your spouse.” Psychotherapist Moali said.
6-3. I value other parts of my life more than my sex life
A couple can also run a business together. They may be concentrating on raising children together. They may want to stay together because they want to be together or because of financial security. Whatever the reason, “we can live happily together as long as we are moving toward the same goals and values,” says psychotherapist Moali. For some couples, sex is not the most important thing, nor is it necessary.
“If neither of you attach much importance to sex, and if you don't associate it with love for each other, you can be together for a long time without sex. For example, if sex is just for fun and you do a lot of other fun things, it may not affect your relationship.” In the words of the Sex Coach Fair.
7. However, there are many couples who find it difficult to maintain their marriage without sex.
“If one or both of you feel that they are not getting anything important (especially if sex is associated with love, acceptance, and attraction), then lack of sex is an ongoing set of frustration, sadness, and emotional barriers that eventually affect other areas of the couple.” In the words of the Sex Coach Fair. Here are some examples of why sexless marriages don't last long.
7-1. Couples have different sexual desires
A person with a low libido may feel inadequate because they cannot meet the sexual needs of their partner . It can inadvertently shame a partner who values sex too much. “A lack of empathy and understanding, or trivializing the importance of sex, can have a very negative effect on a relationship.”
7-2. Sex deficiency may be a symptom of a more serious problem
There are many situations like which came first the chicken or the egg. Does the lack of sex cause problems in your marriage, or is it that you are not having sex because of problems in your marriage? Marriage can be more difficult to sustain if you have stopped having sex because of other unresolved issues between the couple (such as infidelity, frequent fights, etc.).
“Many couples end up not having sex as they grow apart. When the affection cools down, the desire naturally goes down.” Psychotherapist Moali said.
Sex coach Fair was in a sexless marriage in her mid to late 20s and eventually divorced. Looking back now, her divorce was not due to sexless per se. She said, more importantly, that she couldn't communicate.
“We didn't talk about sex. We couldn't talk about our fears and wants, and we couldn't solve complex problems together, so we ended up getting divorced. In the most difficult times, we listened to each other and couldn’t be together.”
7-3. Lack of sex leads to wind
In some couples, a sexually active partner agrees to have an extramarital affair. “Some couples discuss open relationships so that they can address the needs of a dissatisfied partner.” Psychotherapist Hersheyman said. However, if you cheat on your spouse without your knowledge, you will not trust each other and it can be difficult to get over it. “It often results in irreversible ruptures between couples. There are many cases of having an affair without the consent of the spouse, and this is especially dangerous.” Psychotherapist Moali said.
8. If you want to revive your sex life
If you and your partner are unhappy with your sex life, don't lose hope. Experts say that if there is a will, there is a way to improve.
8-1. Think about when your sex life began to slow down.
“Were there any specific actions, events, or conversations that caused it? What are the actions that lead to this situation? It is also helpful to review how you have tried to solve this problem.” Psychotherapist Moali said.
8-2. have to discuss openly
Very often we avoid talking about sexless. Because I find it easier and less difficult to just bury my complex emotions rather than face them.
“Speak frankly about why you think you are not having sex. It is better not to criticize or shame the other person at this time.” In the words of Harrell, a psychotherapist and dating coach.”
The conversation may feel uncomfortable at first, but it's not a big deal. “It can be awkward. The belief that it will be solved without any inconvenience is like a fairy tale, so throw it away.” Psychotherapist Hersheyman said.
8-3. schedule a date
Make a romantic plan for just the two of you, without children . Have a glass of wine in a cozy restaurant, listen to music in bed, massage each other or watch a movie. Let go of the pressure to have sex, but open up the possibility of sex. Even if you don't have sex, the emotional bond between you two will be strong.
8-4. make a sex plan
It would be difficult to expect the atmosphere to be improvised. So, plan ahead and stick with it. It is also a good idea to take turns taking turns so that no one is always leading.
Having sex in advance doesn't mean you'll get bored.
“I recommend making a 'like and dislike' list of different sexual behaviors and then compare them. And a lap around the sex toy shop might give you an idea to try a new toy or tool.” Psychotherapist Moali said.
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